To Clarify

My earlier post today was pretty vague, so maybe I can clear things up so that people don't have to wonder and you can just know what's going on in Jessica Land.

I have 2 off shifts left here, so that is basically 12 days out of the field that I have left here. So, basically, not much time at all considering I have to prepare to LEAVE Utah for good and spend time with people I care about here and tie up all of my loose ends. I have done a lot and I guess the most overwhelming part is trying to squeeze time in with people and thinking that my time is dwindling so quickly and then...poof...I will be gone from their daily world and them from mine. I always knew I would move back to TN so when I left almost 2 years ago it wasn't like "bye forever". What really is the chance that I will ever live in the same town as these friends ever again, slim; so it is seeming very final, this upcoming goodbye.

So, my main struggle the past few months and really what I feel lately is, is do I push through these feelings and really make the most of my time here and make it harder to leave these wonderful wonderful people, or do I start pulling away from them to make leaving easier? I think this is something I have always struggled with, and now it seems like it is a daily debate with myself...stay or run?

Today I had a moment that really tested me, and I came close to just leaving and seperating myself and convincing myself that was the best choice for me. I was able to push through it and find some kind of resolution with it, and it was hard. And now there is more of a bond than there was yesterday bc of it...does that make sense? So, essentially that has made leaving just that much harder?

Ok, I am getting myself into a pity party. I guess I am daily dumbfounded at how hard this leaving Utah project is turning out to be. I think work this week will be a great distraction from all of it...or it just might force me to look at it...let's cross our fingers for distraction.

Speaking of distractions...I have been running a lot lately...5 days straight now to be exact! It is hard to run in the field, so 6 in a row is all I can do now. I am keeping it to 1-2 miles right now, but that is still enough for me. I am also now going daily to the sauna at my gym. If you have never done it, I suggest it! I love the feeling of so much leaving my body in the form of sweat. There are plenty of health benefits and I also enjoy the mental benefits of sitting still and focusing on my thoughts. I am trying to build up to staying in there for an hour. Right now I am at 37 mins with one break. I am doing it bc I love the feeling and also to work on my self discipline, being able to sit in an uncomfortable place(a good metephore for my life)

Ok, I'm really done. I need to get some sleep!